Managing Separation Anxiety For Children & Parents

Is your child crying hysterically and clinging to you even tighter when you drop him off at daycare or school? Are the tantrum behaviors (kicking, screaming, pulling on you, etc.) escalating the moment you let go of his hand in an attempt to send him off to his class?

How about you? Are you having a hard time seeing your baby go off into the big new world of the daycare play area? Are you feeling a tinge of sadness and fear that your role as the primary caregiver for your child is gone? Are you finding yourself hanging around in the classroom during drop-off time just to make sure everything is okay with your little one?

Understanding Separation Anxiety

These are the all-too-familiar signs of separation anxiety. However, unlike what many think, it is not relegated just to children as parents experience similar emotions right along with them.

It is a completely normal experience. Yet, how we handle these emotions plays a pivotal role in navigating this transitional phase.

Addressing separation anxiety requires proper preparation and having a consistent drop-off routine.

Before developing your drop-off routine, spend time with your child to determine ways to help him prepare for the time of separation.

Preparation is Key

1. Open Communication: First, talk with your child about how separations can be very sad for him and you as well. Tell him how you feel. It’s okay to say, “I feel sad when I drop you off, as I miss being with you throughout the day.” Letting your child know you feel the same way helps him recognize that experiencing strong emotions is normal and not merely relegated to children. Over time this will help your child understand that it is okay to experience strong emotions and that he has the ability to do something about it.

2. Joint Preparation: Next, spend time with your child to identify ways that he can prepare for moments of sadness and what he can do when it arises. Remember that this applies to you too! Collaborate with your child to come up with coping strategies. In your discussion include how you will cope with these emotions. For example, you and your child can draw a picture for each other - you draw a picture that your child can keep in his backpack and he will draw a picture that you will keep in your wallet. Make sure you discuss where you will each keep your pictures and show one another where they will be stored. Another example is making bracelets that you can both wear while he is in school.

3. Transitional Objects: It may be important to also have a transitional object that he can hold on to during drop-off time as you physically separate. Identify something small that will be put in his backpack that you will give him to hold on to as you leave. Make sure that this object will only be available at the time of drop-off to increase its perceived specialness. [Notify the school about this plan for seamless support. This is discussed below.]

4. Scenario Planning: Next, walk your child through potential scenarios where he may experience sadness and be reluctant to let go when you drop him off. Explain to him how it is normal for the sadness to get worse when you drop him off and that is when you will give him his transitional object to hold on to. Tell him that he can squeeze his object (e.g., stuffed tiger) as tight as he would squeeze your hand when he doesn’t want to let go.

When you and your child have gone through this process, make sure to notify the school of your plan so that they will be aware of your child's need to hold on to a transitional object for a few minutes after you drop him off, and so your child can have access to an item (e.g., the picture) throughout the day when he is experiencing strong emotions.

Establishing a Drop-off Routine

Now that you’ve worked to prepare your child for separation, develop a drop-off routine with your child that includes time to:

1. Acknowledge emotions

2. Provide comfort

3. Prepare

Acknowledge emotions

• Acknowledge your child’s sadness and the sadness you as a parent have about separating.

• Discuss the strong emotions that you and your child are experiencing at the moment. Make sure that your child has an opportunity to share how he is feeling. Also, remember that the more your child is exposed to you discussing your feelings, the more your child will be inclined to share his feelings and develop the language to articulate his emotions.

Provide comfort

• After acknowledging your child’s emotions, provide comfort time in whatever form you discuss ahead of time that your child finds most soothing (e.g., hugs, snuggles, reading a favorite book, singing a song together, etc.).

• Make sure to start a timer together and say something like, “This is our special time together. For the next five minutes, we will get to ____. (Set a timer) What makes this extra special is that we get this time together only because you are going to preschool.” The end of the statement helps the child connect the “specialness” of the moment with preschool - that while you may hug, snuggle, etc. at home, this is extra special time.

• If your child is resistant to the time coming to an end, remind him that he will get the extra special time at the next drop-off.

Prepare

• Discuss what your child will do when strong emotions arise (e.g., you will give your child the transitional object, look at the picture you drew, look at the bracelet, etc.) and what you will do when you experience them as well (e.g., look at the picture your child drew, look at the bracelet, etc.).

• Remind your child that the emotions are normal but all strong emotions come to an end.

• Remind your child that you will be back to pick him up. Or, if someone else is picking him up, remind him of when you two will get to spend time together and how excited you are to be reunited.

Closing Thoughts

Keep reminding yourself and your child that these feelings are temporary and will eventually subside. While the duration of adjustment varies by child, as stated previously, it is temporary as long as you and your child work together to address it.

Lastly, remind yourself that while this may be a hard transition, your child's attachment is a truly beautiful testament to your parent-child bond! Embrace this developmental phase, knowing that it signifies a strong connection. So try not to be terribly bothered by the situation. Your child loves being with you and that is a blessing that shouldn’t be taken for granted!